you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
