I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
