He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
