I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
