Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
