Your dad touched me again.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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