He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
