I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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