she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize