A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Randomize
