Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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