The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
