someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
