Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
