god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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