bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
