So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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