i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
