Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize