My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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