Cold hands, warm shart.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize