i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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