There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
