This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
