Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
