At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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