can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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