this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
