i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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