Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
