she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
