she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
