I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't deserve a penis
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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