Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
