They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
