I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
