I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
