Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
