are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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