After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
