last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
