you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
