I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
