My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
