What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
