i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
