Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Even my vagina gasped.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
