I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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