So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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