Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
