Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
