She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
