I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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