the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
