I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
