dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
