Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
