how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize